Granello (2013, p. 200) perfectly defined my entire upbringing and my life currently when he wrote “When families embrace their own diversity and learn to incorporate it into their positive interactions, members are free to grow as individuals within the overarching umbrella of the family system. In contrast, when individual traits are ridiculed or repressed, members can begin to develop bitterness and distrust for others in the family, removing the individuals from the family umbrella.”
My family use to consist of just my dad, grandma, brother, sister, and myself. I don’t consider anyone outside of that to be family mainly because I have never met them. This is all the family I know. I know a lot of people who have cousins, grandparents, in-laws, etc. and I have never been able to relate. I never questioned why we didn’t ever see cousins and other family because it was never brought up that I had any outside family. As far as I knew, this is all I was given for a family.
Not only was my family small, but there was abuse as well. I raised my brother, sister, and myself while my dad was out doing whatever he was doing and my grandma was too old to really help with much except cooking and being my right hand. I still to this day do not know what my dad was up to back then, but I can only imagine seeing as how most of my upbringing was abuse, neglect, and forced into raising his children for him.
When I got older, before my grandma died, I learned about extended family and asked my grandma why we were never apart of the rest of the family. I remember she told me that it was because of my dad being the way he is. My grandma had to cut ties with the rest of the family in order to help raise us, and my dad took advantage of the help. Looking at it now, I think that the extended family did not want to enable him taking advantage and he was also causing problems with them as well. It was just easier to forget that he existed when he wasn’t around, so we never got invited to any gatherings.
This lead to us being raised that there was no one outside of the immediate family, which I suppose is what my dad wanted all along. Isolation. There was no one to look out to for information, help, advice, nothing. He brainwashed us into thinking that he was the only person who could take care of us, but then would leave and come back abusive. I now know that alcohol and women with low self-esteem were what was keeping his attention. Anyone who he could have his way with and not get in trouble.
I write this because it is a part of my history, not to get sympathy. This quote from the book really resonated with me because that is how my life has been since day one. Not only did my extended family remove my dad from the family, they removed my grandma, brother, sister, and myself as well. This only created a snowball effect. My grandma died four years ago and my family is now entirely broken and removed, even from each other.
Granello, P. F. (2013). Wellness counseling. Boston: Pearson.
Comentarios