Shadow Work – Kalyn Nicholson Prompt Follow Along
In what areas do I feel I’m struggling the most in right now?
· Accepting what I have been feeling and experiencing as real and to continue to allow myself to feel it instead of downplaying the emotion or constant negative thought “It won’t last forever” comes in and takes the joy out of everything.
· Waiting for the shoe to drop. Waiting for something bad to happen that will take this positive feeling I am experiencing away from me.
Do I have any current stress sources and how am I handling them?
· Financial – Make enough to pay bills and get by. My mind wants to add savings, amongst other things that include spending money, but I can’t afford to do that at this time.
· Social – Internal overwhelming feeling of trying feel ready to reincorporate people back into my life since isolating this last year. I have kept a very small circle this year only as courtesy to others that did care for me to know what I was going through during this time. I wanted complete isolation, but I knew it would not have done good at this time as I was going through a depression deeper than I had experienced before. I started reaching out to others and now I am overwhelmed at the amount of people I have in my corner cheering for me to keep going, and how little time I have to spend with each person to include time for my own life.
What self-perceived flaws do I have that hold me hostage?
· I care too much. Why do I care so much about everything?
· I allow people to take up larger spaces in my life than what is reciprocated. AKA: I love others more than they love me back.
· I need to lose weight. Not want. I am so hard on myself for thinking I need to look a certain way all the time. I would also appreciate good health.
· The unidentified fears and the new feelings I have been experiencing have made my anxiety more noticeable, but there is no panic.
· Hoping for the best, expecting the worst. It steals the joy out of life.
What do I fear others judge or think of me?
· Physical Appearance –
o Overweight/ something about my weight.
o Huge boobs = slut
o Messy hair and pajamas = a loser or someone who puts no effort in their appearance.
· Unsuccessful –
o Quitter
o Unable to perform at the same pace of others. Do too much, burn out quick.
o Not making a huge contribution to society in comparison to the amount I know I am capable of doing.
o No kids, husband, house, etc.
· Unworthy –
o Being able to truly experience joy or other positive emotions isn’t allowed for me.
o Work harder to make them love you. The harder you work the more they love you.
What is my deepest shadow emotion?
AKA: A feeling I resist, reject, or avoid feeling the most.
Why and where did I first feel it?
· My Deepest Negative Emotion – Resentment
o I never talk about how hurt I am about everything that I have been through to get where I am today. I feel hurt, betrayed, and unwanted by everything that has happened and the people involved. Is this what it is like to be unforgiving? The little girl inside me is so hurt that I now have a difficulty having stable relationships with people. I am fearful of everything, but I am also brave.
o I have felt hurt, betrayed, and unwanted for most of my life. The first memory of this feeling is when I saw my sense of self fall apart, a huge wall went up inside of me that stopped allowing people to get close to me, and I no longer had a desire to be alive.
o I was in 8th grade, just about to go to high school, when a serious mental health crisis and serious outcry for help was completely handled incorrectly. I was given a binder with loose-leaf paper and a pen so that I could begin writing things down that happen throughout my day. I was skeptical of it at first because of my over-bearing parents and toxic home environment I lived in, keeping a journal did not seem like a safe idea; I did it anyway. I wrote in this binder until the pages were full and had to steal more paper from school to keep writing.
o I came home from cheerleading practice one evening, and my entire family was sitting in the living room (Dad, step-mom, step-brother, brother, sister, and grandma), which was unusual. I wanted in and my step-mom began reading my journal entries aloud to everyone while my dad began badgering questions such as “Is this how you really feel about your family?”, “Do you want me to call the police to have them put you in a hospital? That’s what they do to people that feel this way.”, and other hurtful words that even more deepened the shame I felt for even thinking that my life was getting better. I was just expected to drop it and move on as if it didn’t happen like everyone else. I felt shame for my feelings instead of comforted and cared for. “Long story short, It was a bad time. Long story short, I survived.” Taylor sums it up perfectly.
· My Deepest Positive Emotion – Belonging
o I never talk about my idea of family because my idea of family was created by books, tv, and my small amounts of positive family interactions. It all goes back to constantly feeling betrayed, hurt, and unwanted. I am trying to find my new definition of family so that it lo longer haunts me.
What does my shadow self, inner child, and overall spirit need most? How can I harvest more energy into these areas?
· My inner child needs a friend. One of those cool friends who never leave and always wants to play.
· My shadow self needs to learn to deal with intense positive and negative thoughts by either continuing trauma therapy or doing regular therapeutic check-ins.
· My overall spirit needs to accept what is happening and accept the positive emotions I experienced.
“There is nothing left to do. You just put in the work. Stay aware and sit with it.” - Kalyn Nicholson
Inspiration:
Music: